Babies

I found out on Monday that my cousin knocked up his girlfriend and is getting married this week. It’s not really as bad as that makes it sound. They’ve been dating for 3 years. They live together. They’re in their early 20’s. I’m sure marriage was on the agenda. This just moved up the timetable.

Still this has affected me in many different ways. Currently I am going through what one might call a “biological clock is ticking” phase. I don’t want to have a child TODAY, but I would like to have one eventually. I also want to be young enough to enjoy them both as kids and adults, so I’d like to have one in the next 5 years or so. Plenty of time, right? Well, yeah, but that means I need to be getting my life a little more sorted out in terms of my career so I can support said child. Not to mention I need to be finding myself a woman to have said child with.

I’m uncomfortable with setting timetables for life events. That always seemed to me like a recipe for disappointment. Even this vague idea that it’d be nice to have a kid in the next 5 years, or even before I’m 40, makes me uncomfortable. I mean, if I find myself 40, single, and childless, I don’t want to be horribly horribly depressed just because of some self imposed deadline. Life just turned out that way.

I’ve always loved babies, and my cousin, the soon-to-be-dad, is one of the big reasons why. I was about 10 when he was born, and I got to see him a lot as a baby and toddler. He fascinated me and he seemed to like me. Soon a whole slew of my aunts began popping out kids and I was always first in line to play with the new baby. This continued on as my sister’s became mothers and now as my friends start to have kids. I have a new honorary niece living a half block away who just turned 1. She’s awful cute.

All of this is hitting me in a very real way. Suddenly I’m actually imagining what it would be like to be up all night with a screaming kid, rather than just thinking of it in vague theoretical terms.

So the idea that the baby that once helped spawn my love of babies is having a baby is… well… spawning complex emotions. Why didn’t I have a baby when I was in my 20’s? Because that would have been a HORRIBLE IDEA. For me. Maybe it’s a great idea for him. It’s times like these I have to remind myself not to compare my life to other people’s lives. That’ll drive you crazy.